Indifferent.

In the impossible times of life, how often We forget.
How often we focus on the minor details of the day that seem so GREAT and unconquerable.
Our focal points zone in on the things that are lacking, the things that are wrong.
The things that are out of control. Those tiny details that mislead us to thinking "God, Where did you go exactly..?"
One of my good friends said,
"Even in your darkest times, when you don't even remember what His voice sounds like.
He is there."

HE ISSSSS.
He simply is. Even if He wanted to leave, He couldn't. That's how strong of an impression we have on His great big heart that never ceases to stop pounding with affection for us.
His love not only compels him to care for us, but it's in his very being, his very breath of life to protect, and simply love on us.

I'm indifferent.
I've learned to accept my flaws. These tiny mishaps of the stumbling blocks in the past.
I've tripped, yes.
Fallen? sure.
But I've also gotten up.
MY JESUS reached out and picked me up, right off my face.
He's brushed this insecurity, condemnation dirt right off of my pant leg.
It flew away like chaff in the wind.
I've become immune to the enemy's arrows.
Immune to useless pain.
But have embraced the suffering that was good for me.
The suffering that birthed growth.
A New Perspective.
Jesus my Jesus, whatever would I be without you?
nothing. Thats just it. nothing at all.
I live life as if you really are the Jesus, we all say you are.

haha. God is so good you guys. I asked Him to give me a verse, opened my bible, and this is what the page said:
Zechariah 13:9-
I will bring that group through the fire and make them pure.
I will refine them like silver and purify them like gold. They will call on my name, and I will answer them.
I will say, "These are my people, and they will say, "The Lord is our God."

Hello adulthood.

Yesterday was nothing like I expected...it was better.
and nothing went according to plan, but made it that much sweeter.

I received two free starbucks, without asking. Thank you Chris Yourdan.

Flowers and a card from Elisa, who is like my big sister, they were gorgeous!

and the Sun was shining. All day.

The plan for the night was to go to olive garden, ice skate, then manhunt.
but none of those things went the way I thought they might...
It was an HOUR wait at every single restaurant we went to, amidst the little options we have in tri-town.
So we ended up going to Mongolian, which was just as wonderful!
An ethnic birthday.
And it was so simple, yet so lovely. Just the people who I care about so much, surrounding a small table in a quaint little mongolian restaurant. That's how birthday's should be.
My dad got me this BEAUTIFUL gold, sapphire ring. It's, one of the best gifts I've ever receiven.
And my dear abigail got me canvasses and paint. The gifts I really wanted in my heart, yet didn't tell anyone about.
She's a keeper.
We then we're about to go ice skating, only to find out that the next session started a half an hour before manhunt was suppose to go on.
So, we decided to skip ice skating, and chill at my house before the hunt.
Which was just as fun. We ate cake, talked, and laughed.
oh and I can't forget birthday cake ice cream. THE best.
Then manhunt was INSANE.
Behind clearwater to Lawrence Scott Park.
Jumping into bushes, running, hiding behind buildings, I felt like a true fugitive.
Which was exhilarating.
I ALMOST got caught when I slipped on an icy driveway hill, and tumbled down.
And I received lovely bruises and scratches, the road's birthday present to me.
But I ran free and made it there in one piece
=)
Suffice to say, this 18th birthday was a success.

How lovely are the friends that surround me, who make my days a joy to live.
Along with My Jesus.
Thank you Lord for the blessings you place on my life, how dear they are to me.

Make what you want out of it.

So I've decided, that every single day is what You make out of it.
It's your decision, to be sad, or depressed,
or be happy, and choose to laugh.
Choose to smile, even when you don't feel like it.
Choose to be the the better self that you can be.
That God wants you to be.
It really changes the outcome of your day.

haha, like Joel Olsteen says, "Be a better You."

I was listening to a podcast by Pastor Judah Smith, (the pastor at generation church in seattle, my future internship)
in the car, and man, it was SO GOOD.

When God crosses His arms.

He talked about Joseph's sons, Ephraim and Manasseh. And when Joseph blessed them, he gave the blessing to Ephraim, the younger son who didn't deserve it, while Manasseh, the first born, received nothing.
Manasseh should've received the blessing, but he didn't.
Joseph crossed his arms, with the left on Manasseh, and right on Ephraim.
It's funny when you learn the meanings of their names and apply it.
Ephraim means "Fruitful, or Favored"
Manasseh means "Forgetful"

and Judah was saying how Jesus CHOSE to be Manasseh. He chose to be forgetful of our sins. He always has been.
and if He is Manasseh, then there's only one option left. We are Ephraim. We are blessed and favored in Christ!
We didn't deserve ANYTHING from God.
Not even a glance from His holy precious eyes, yet He looks upon us with tender mercy, and lavishes his unfailing love on us.
Over and Over again.
In Jeremiah it says that His thoughts about us, are Inumerable.
Unmeasurable.
Like the sand on the seashore.
and when we put our confidence and faith in Him, each single thought about us, is Wonderful.
Every detail of His thoughts about us are only filled with goodness, favor, and love.
How wild is that?
Just thinking about God forgetting my wrong, and only wanting goodness and blessings to fall on my life and be produced is so ridiculous to think about..

So all that to say, Live life as if God is who He really says He is!
Live with a mindset of knowing that your Jesus only wants the very best for you, in every situation, of every single day.

and my painting is done!
I'm thinking of writing a quote, or a scripture next to it above the roots...but the painting job of it is finished.

Here's the verse that inspired me-
Jeremiah 17:7
"But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a Riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water, such trees
are not bothered by the heat, or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit."

Vinegar.

Sigh.
This is the most treacherous season. Of my life I feel like.
It's like...the wound was starting to heal, slowly but surely, but then all of a sudden someone decided to throw a douse of vinegar on it, along with some nail polish remover. Then, they spit on it to top it off.
I know this probably doesn't make any sense to you...but, I'll just say that I was hurt. And I practically did it to myself.
And I've tried to fix things...so many times. Too many times in fact. Did you know doing that can make things worse?
I'm a "peacemaker". I can't help but want people to have peace and have things resolved. So when I create a problem,
all I want is that problem to be erased, and have that person forgive me, or at least try and let go of the bitterness.
But that's not always possible. Or even tangible.
THis time, it feels as if it's behind the moon in terms of "being accessible".
I keep telling myself, "God is here. He's in control. He'll work things out for good."
And quite honestly, I can't see that. Any of it right now...
I hate this situation, everything about it.
I hate that it's taken this long to recover from, (which its not yet) and I hate that I can't see any good from it.
People tell me, time heals, time heals.
I just wish time would come sooner, and faster. More like antibiotics and a bandaid instead of tiny swabs of a cotton ball that stings.
God is all I need. He is my all and all. He is my reason for life. His love is sufficient, and He cares for my pain.
OKay. I'm done venting now.
just need to write it out sometimes.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”

“Though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us does not"

-C.S. Lewis

Sweet Love

"The journey starts, I'm back again
Climbing through this mess I'm in
While willow trees they shift beneath
the outcome of my unbelief

I stop again take a breath
I think of all my past, my past regret
A smile breaks and finds her place,
In this valley I see Your grace.

Sweet, sweet love
You're my sweet, sweet love
Sweet, sweet love
You're my sweet, sweet love.

Like honey comb that's on my lips
I taste a love that's heaven-sent
A love that's pure, a love that's free
The only love I really need."

Sweet Love-Esterlyn.

I love this song. It's old, but I hadn't heard it in forever when it played on my shuffle mix, and it's soo wonderful.
Reminds me of How sweet and precious God's love and grace is, and at the end of the day, it's the only love I need to fulfill me.

FEBRUARY february Feeebruary!
My month of birth. The month of heart candies and valentines. The month where winter is on the verge of turning to sunshine and spring...but then decides to stay a little longer and throws its last punches of the biting cold.
I usually love the cold, scarves, layers, boots.. but I'm kind of getting sick of it right about now...
I want sunshine to smile down upon me!

I feel like alot of things are coming up, but I'm oblivious to any of them, or all of them. Dances, Birthday...(I have absolutely NO idea as to what to do for turning the big ONE EIGHT of my life.)...preparing for weddings, application, ordering things before the end of the month, planning spring break, signing up for random events...and the list goes on.
But I think that just comes along with the title of "being a senior"
and getting organized and things out of the way as graduation creeps up on us.
By the end of today, I want to feel productive by at least getting ONE of these things checked off.
I ordered my beautiful brides maid dress yesterday and tried it on!
LOVE IT. silky, strapless, tangerine, and best of all, it has pockets.
Personally, I think every single dress should have pockets. Best invention of our time.

and today. SUPER BOWL.
it's where everyone gathers in their living rooms and gorge themselves with popcorn out of a GINORMOUS glass bowl.
haha. not. but Colts against the Saints. I have no idea as to who I'm rooting for, so Jennae and I said
"whichever colors look better" haha
blue and white....or black and gold?
I love black and gold...
but then again, I'm always for the underdog.
we shall see.